TTC Roller Coaster

TTC has been one of the most emotional roller coasters of my life. I have good days and bad days on this journey. On my good days I am hopeful. On my good days I tell myself that I know our family is not yet complete. I tell myself that I know Walker is going to be an amazing big brother. I tell myself that I know Walker is going to have a friend for life in a sibling. I tell myself that I know God is in control.

On my bad days I can't sleep. On my bad days I cry after everyone else has gone to bed. On my bad days I feel bitter, angry, and sad. On my bad days I question God's plan. On my bad days I question myself and wonder what I did wrong. On my bad days, I blog.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I feel like I was born to be a mom. Being a mom is a lot different than I pictured but it is more amazing than I could have imagined. I always wanted three children - two boys and a girl. Chris and I knew we wanted to start a family right away and we did. We never imagined that we would have a hard time expanding our family. After being on this journey for now fifteen months, I look back and realize how naive we were to think that we were in control of the size of our family. God is in control.

I go for more tests on June 2nd and I pray for better results than I got last month. I hope that God answers our prayers and this journey is only a temporary one for us. I also thank God everyday for the amazing little guy we have been blessed with. He is the light of our lives.

Big Steps

Walker is now 17 months old and I can feel time zooming by me everyday. It's amazing how many people tell you that time flies by once you have children and to cherish every minute. I never could have imagined just how fast it flies by.

It's funny to me to think back to how I felt about some things before I had Walker. I always knew I would breastfeed him but I thought I would just pump and put it in a bottle and he would be perfectly content with that. I never planned on actually breastfeeding. Once Walker was born I got to hold him for about two minutes before they took him straight to the NICU. I was induced three weeks early because of Preeclampsia and Hypertension so Walker's lungs weren't fully developed. They say that boys' lungs develop more slowly than girls. Walker stayed in the NICU all night and I got him back around 5 am the next morning. They had to feed him in the NICU so they gave him a bottle of formula. When he came back to me, he refused to latch on and I had a very hard time breastfeeding him. Visitors were in and out over those two days so I gave into him and let him have the bottle more than I should because I couldn't do it on my own. I finally got a lactation specialist to come help me and from then on, we were good!

I planned to breastfeed Walker for one year. I thought that if I could make it to one year it would be a big accomplishment. When Walker's first birthday came around I just wasn't ready to stop. I kept waiting for Walker to just wean himself and he did a little bit. He got down to nursing only 2-3 times per day and it was usually just when he was going to sleep at naptime or bedtime. I decided that if he hadn't weaned himself by 18 months, I would start the weaning process. I tried once at about 15 months to wean him and it was miserable.

At 17 months, I decided to go ahead and really try to wean him and guess what? It worked! It has been thirteen days since he has nursed. The first couple of days were hard for both of us. I am not going to lie - I cried. Overall, I think it has been good for us. I was so worried we would lose our cuddle time but Walker is still my little lovebug and curls up in my lap, gives me hugs and kisses, and loves me just as much!

Walker's 2nd Easter

Mommy stuffing Easter eggs for our Easter egg hunt


You were awesome at hunting eggs! You were so excited to get them open and see what was inside.




After our Easter egg hunt, we played on the playground. Picture of Walker and Will.




Walker and Carina



Walker and Mommy at our church Easter egg hunt


Waiting for the Easter egg hunt to start at Morningstar Church










Walker's Easter goodies




Walker loves books!





Helping Daddy open the potty!



Walker's throne

A Walk Down Memory Lane

We celebrated our second wedding anniversary on April 11th and it was one of those perfect days where things just seem to go right and everything in the world seems to line up perfectly into place. Even a flat tire on our ride home couldn't bring us down from where we were that day. I wish I could bottle that feeling but I know our paradise is just a short drive to Alexander City.

For our anniversary we packed up the car and headed to Children's Harbor in Alexander City where we were married two years ago that very day. I saw Children's Harbor in a bridal magazine and I knew right away that it was the spot for us. We got married on April 11, 2009 which was also our six year anniversary. Our wedding weekend was eventful, to say the least. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. That Friday, April 10th, we were supposed to have our wedding rehearsal except that somebody forgot to tell Mother Nature and the weather had other plans. There was a tornado that came right through and we ate our rehearsal dinner with lights blinking on and off. Our wedding party left with souvenirs of hail dents in their car from hail the size of a softball. My hair stylist canceled on me the day before my wedding. And a whole gaggle of other things that I will not go into occurred. Needless to say, with the exception of marrying the love of my life, the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of my life goes down in history as one of the days I would most like to do over.

I have great, beautiful pictures from my wedding but I have trouble even looking at them. They are beautiful pictures but I am not myself in them. I look at them and all of the feelings of that day come back.

Because of this, I was nervous about going back to Children's Harbor. I hoped that the feelings of hurt and disappointment would not come flooding back. We drove over the big bridge and I saw the lighthouse on the left with the beautiful lake shimmering in the sun, I saw the chapel on the right where we were married and I said to Chris, "It's just as beautiful as I remember it." For the first time, my memories of that day went to the harpist playing as I walked down the aisle, went to seeing my sister and now nephew Ryan walking down the aisle, and went back to the moments just before our wedding when it was just me and Chris on the lighthouse. Because at the end of the day, nothing that happened that day came between us. In the end, Love won.

We spent a while at the chapel. We took in the warm air and the sound of the lake. We let Walker run around and sit in the pews. And before we left, we noticed the time was the exact time of our wedding so we stood at the altar, looked in each others eyes, held hands, and said "I do" all over again. This time we had a little one standing between our legs and we shared a family kiss.

Here are some of our favorite pictures at the chapel on our wedding day
Here are some pictures of our Anniversary trip to the chapelWhen we left the chapel we went to my favorite place on Children's Harbor - the lighthouse! It is a beautiful sight and was the location for our "First Sight Moment" before the wedding. Chris and I had some private time at the lighthouse before our ceremony started. Here are some pictures from that day:When we were at the lighthouse on our anniversary, it was just as windy as I remember and a million times more peaceful than I remember. We stayed out there for a long time looking at the water, taking pictures of Walker, and just enjoying the view. Here are some of the pictures we took from our special day at the lighthouse.It was such a special day being able to take Walker to the place where we were married. He had a blast and I left feeling very thankful that we made lots of new memories at a place that holds such a special place in my heart.