A Heavy Heart

I can honestly say that I have only had my heart broken one time. It was a long enough time ago that I have forgotten how bad it hurts until I was reminded today. Having a heavy heart is a common saying but I learned today that it is also a feeling. My heart feels so heavy today. Today I got some news that has completely devastated me. I knew there was something wrong. I should have listened to myself and trusted myself. It would have saved me fourteen months of being let down.

I know that I have been completely open about what is going on with our journey to expand our family but for some reason I am feeling very reclusive right now. Please just send up a prayer for me during this time.

Words to Live by

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway." - Mother Theresa

A Day Out With Thomas

A couple of weekends ago our little family spent the day with Thomas the Train! We went to the Heart of Dixie Railroad Museum in Calera and spent the afternoon having lots of fun!

We went straight to the bubbles! You loved the big bubbles and laughed everytime they floated past you.


Mommy even saw one of her friends from college and her son, Brayden. Here are Brayden and Megan playing with the bubbles right beside you and Daddy.


Our next activity was playing with the train tables.









You met a friend....



And you made Mommy proud when you shared your toys with him...




You even shared with Mommy and Daddy...



We visited the petting zoo. You enjoyed petting the rabbits.




You held close to Daddy when the goats stuck their head through the fence.




You said "Duckies" and pointed to the ducks.



You were so excited to ride the train that you could hardly stand the wait.



While we were in line you and Daddy made funny faces at each other.



It was time to ride Thomas the Train!



While we were on the train ride you enjoyed looking out the window at the passing scenery, playing with your shoes, and spending time with Mommy and Daddy.

Small Blessings

I really dislike the feelings of jealousy and bitterness that seem to accompany TTC. I was watching television today and Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott were on television and Tori announced that she was pregnant. I am ashamed to admit that I was jealous and mad - AT TORI SPELLING! I love Tori Spelling, I watch all of her shows, and I think it's great that they are having a child. But in the moment, I was resentful, I was angry, I was sad, and these are all feelings that should not accompany the announcement of a pregnancy. I do not like that I am having these feelings and it has weighed very heavily on my heart and mind today. I have prayed about it a lot today and I hope that this bitterness leaves my heart.

Just when I start to feel sorry for myself I am reminded that things are never as bad as they seem. I have several friends who are on this journey with me and I have a couple of friends who are dealing with issues and problems beyond being unable to get pregnant. I know that I could not deal with the issues they are dealing with and I am reminded that although we each are struggling with the same issue, we are dealing with very different circumstances. I think that is a very important thing to remember.

I know in my heart that our family is not complete. Walker is my pride and joy and I love him more than I could ever put into words but there is something in my heart that tells me our family is so close to being complete, but we are not quite there. There is a new sense of certainty that has filled my heart. I just know we are close. I do not know when it will happen but I know it will and that gives me hope.

This little boy is going to make an amazing big brother.

For Walker to Remember

Dear Walker,

There are people in your life that you will not remember. These people loved you and were proud of you. Although you may not remember the time you spent with them, they watch over you, protect you, and serve as your guardian angels.

This past Sunday marked one year since Uncle Bobo was taken from us on April 10, 2010in a motorcycle accident. You got to meet him a couple of weeks before he passed away. We were visiting Huntsville and I thought about taking a picture of you both but we had planned to come back in a couple of weeks and I thought I would get one at that time. Always remember to take a lot of pictures. You will cherish them when the people in them are gone.


I am so thankful that he walked me down the aisle and gave me away on our wedding day. He helped me through that stressful weekend and if you look really close, you can see how hard I am squeezing his arm and sleeve. There is no way I could have walked that aisle alone and I am blessed that he walked beside me.


Our Last Family Picture

I remember Uncle Bobo asking me where the champagne was. I told him we did not have any. "You have to have champagne at your wedding!" And so we did.


Alex, Cassie, Uncle Bobo



Aunt Afton and Uncle Bobo

Grammy and Uncle Bobo

Aunt Shelley and Uncle Bobo




We spent the weekend of April 10, 2010 in Tennessee for a rugby game. Before we left, I told your Daddy that I had a bad feeling about going. I felt like there was going to be an accident and I told him that. I told him I had a strong feeling and I didn't want to travel. He talked me into it and we traveled with a group of friends. The weekend went by without a hitch and halfway into the ride home, my phone rang. My sister told me there had been an accident and Uncle Bobo didn't make it. I felt my chest close in on me and I couldn't breathe. We had to stop the car and I had to get out and get some air. I didn't understand how this could have happened. We were supposed to see him in just a couple of weeks and we had just seen him a few weeks before.

Nobody is promised another day or another minute. We are here for a short time and then we are gone for what can seem like an eternity. The time you have with the people in your life cannot be wasted and should be treasured. You should always make sure that you say "I love you" often to those around you. Let people know how you feel about them. I promise that I will tell you everyday how much I love you and how special you are.

Where We Stand

I have been pretty open with the fact that we are trying to expand our family. We always knew that we wanted our kids extremely close in age and we began trying for a second baby when Walker was only three months old. Ideally, our kids would be a year apart. I knew that there was only a slim chance of me getting pregnant while I was breastfeeding. My doctor was very open with the fact that there is only a 1% chance of getting pregnant while breastfeeding for the first six months. When the baby turns six months old the chances of getting pregnant while breastfeeding go up to 6%. I have come across a lot of people who do not know that while you are breastfeeding, your cycle does not typically return for a long period of time. Breastfeeding mothers release a hormone called Prolactin that causes the cycle to be delayed. Some people get their cycle back after a month and I have heard of some people not getting it back for two years. For me, my cycle returned in September 2010 when Walker was ten months old. Of course I was not happy to see it return. I had gone 19 months without this annoyance but I was a bit relieved because I thought we would finally get pregnant right away. This didn't happen for us.

I went to my yearly appointment in January and my doctor told me that if I wasn't pregnant in the next couple of months that I would need to come back in for some testing. March came and went and there was no sign of my cycle. I thought for sure that I was pregnant. I have never skipped a menstrual cycle. I tested four times that month, every few days, and all my tests were negative. Finally, on April 4th, my cycle showed up. I was shocked and more determined than before. I made an appointment on March 31st to see my doctor and my appointment was Tuesday April 5th. My doctor walked in and said, "We've got to get you pregnant!" Yes ma'am, that is the goal.

She immediately wanted to put me on Clomid but I explained to her that we are not interested in treatment at this time. Here is the tricky part. I feel the need to stop my story here and clear something up. The first thing I want to make perfectly clear is that I use facebook and my blog to keep my close family and friends informed about things going on in my life. I did update my status about this situation for a few reasons. The first reason is what I have already stated, that I use Facebook to keep my close friends and family in the loop. Sure, I could call them all personally but honestly, this isn't the type of thing you want to talk about over and over and over. The second reason I shared this is because I have a lot of friends who are fighting this same fight. I have several friends who are having problems getting pregnant and we have formed a bond over this. Now, I have apparently ruffled some feathers over some statements I have made and feel the need to clarify them, especially since MY opinions have cost me at least one friend.

I have stated that Chris and I "do not believe in fertility treatments". That is our belief FOR OUR FAMILY. I believe in everyone's right and ability to do what is best for THEIR FAMILY. I believe that fertility treatments work and I have seen the proof of what they can do for someone struggling to have a child. I am in no way judging the decisions that people make for themselves and their own family. I would appreciate the same lack of judgment but apparently that is too much to ask of some people. For us and OUR FAMILY, fertility treatments are not something we are interested in at this time. We already have one amazing little boy and any other children we are given will be bonuses for us. We are extremely lucky to have one child and we thank God that he entrusted this precious life to us for at least a little while. We believe there is a plan for our family and we will honor that plan. With that being said, these are thoughts today. I cannot say that we will not change our minds in the future but for now, we feel lucky that we were given the opportunity to parent Walker. Although we want to give Walker a sibling more than anything in the world, we will be perfectly happy being a family of three if that is God's plan for us. We support and pray for any of our friends who choose fertility treatments as the plan for their family. What is right for one family may not be right for another and we should all be understanding and supportive of each other.

My appointment with the doctor went fine. She wants me to come back on April 25th for some testing to see if I am even ovulating. She told me that ovulation tests do not actually tell if the egg was released. She said that the ovulation tests just predict if your body is going through the motions of preparing for ovulation. The only way to test is by doing bloodwork. If the tests show that I am ovulating, she will diagnose Secondary Infertility. Secondary Infertility is unexplained infertility in women who have already had a child or children. If I am not ovulating, therein lies our issue and we would have to figure out the cause.

So that's where we stand in our quest to expand our family. I never thought that this journey to expand our family would lead to friends not speaking to me. With that being said, we will stay true to our beliefs and we will do what is right for us and our family. In the meantime, we will stay in amazement of this precious little boy who came to us 16 months ago. No matter what the outcome, we can say that we are the lucky ones.