Small Blessings

I really dislike the feelings of jealousy and bitterness that seem to accompany TTC. I was watching television today and Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott were on television and Tori announced that she was pregnant. I am ashamed to admit that I was jealous and mad - AT TORI SPELLING! I love Tori Spelling, I watch all of her shows, and I think it's great that they are having a child. But in the moment, I was resentful, I was angry, I was sad, and these are all feelings that should not accompany the announcement of a pregnancy. I do not like that I am having these feelings and it has weighed very heavily on my heart and mind today. I have prayed about it a lot today and I hope that this bitterness leaves my heart.

Just when I start to feel sorry for myself I am reminded that things are never as bad as they seem. I have several friends who are on this journey with me and I have a couple of friends who are dealing with issues and problems beyond being unable to get pregnant. I know that I could not deal with the issues they are dealing with and I am reminded that although we each are struggling with the same issue, we are dealing with very different circumstances. I think that is a very important thing to remember.

I know in my heart that our family is not complete. Walker is my pride and joy and I love him more than I could ever put into words but there is something in my heart that tells me our family is so close to being complete, but we are not quite there. There is a new sense of certainty that has filled my heart. I just know we are close. I do not know when it will happen but I know it will and that gives me hope.

This little boy is going to make an amazing big brother.