A Walker Update

Dear Walker,
You are almost 23 months old and I cannot believe that we are planning your 2nd birthday party. It's hard to believe that it's been almost two years since you were born but it's also hard to remember life before you. You are really coming into your own and developing your own personality and it is such a blessing to watch day to day. You have grown so much and we love watching you explore and learn new things.

As 23 months you are wearing 24 month clothes although most of them are too big. You are tall and thin just like Daddy.

You give the best hugs and kisses - you really pucker up now and give us as many as we ask for!

Your vocabulary has grown like crazy lately! Here are just a few of your favorite words and phrases:
Mom (not mommy...you call me mom.)
Daddy
Doggy
Lady
Moby
Nonnie
I love you
Bye
Hi
Baby
Truck
Car
Cow
Horsey
Duck

You have such a sense of independence about you. You do not like to get dressed unless you can dress yourself which provides lots of laughs for Mommy & Daddy. You love shoes but despite Mommy's best efforts to keep all character clothes and shoes away, your favorites are your Thomas crocs and your Cars tennis shoes.

We have your toddler room all set up and are in the process of trying to get you to move in there but you are just not ready. You are not a fan of change and I know where you get that from.

I hold you in my arms everyday and wonder where my baby went. I feel you needing me less and less but then I hear your sweet little voice call for me and I realize that you are not needing me less but just needing me in different ways.

Mommy Judgments

Walker is screaming at the top of his lungs. I can see the people staring at me through the doctor's office door as I try to pick him up off the floor, carry his sippy cup, his bookbag, and fiddle for my keys, all while trying to keep the bandaid on his arm so he does not get blood everywhere. I finally get a hold of everything, including my screaming child, and exit through the door into the waiting room where I can make my way to the door and out of the building. As we walk out I feel everyone's eyes on me and hear someone actually say, "Oh my Goooooood." I get to my car, put Walker in his car seat, climb in the backseat with him and hold the bandaid on his arm for 10 minutes like the nurses told me to. All the while he is screaming, kicking, and wanting to rip the bandaid off.

Flashback to this morning. I go in to get him once he wakes up only to find that his entire crib, pillow, sheets, blanket, and himself are covered in diarrhea. He has had diarrhea since Thursday and it has gotten worse and worse. He has been fussy, he hasn't eaten much, and I know something is wrong. I decided we would go ahead and get dressed and go straight to the doctor. We would be there when they opened at 8 am, and we were. This is not something I do often. I am not one of those moms who rush to the doctor at every sniffle but I do know when something is wrong with my child. I also knew that yes, I could wait an hour until they opened and then call and leave a message, wait hours for them to return my phone call only to tell me I could come in hours later, but I decided to chance it and be there when the doors opened.

When I got there the receptionist reminded me that I really needed to have an appointment. I apologized and told her that we live so far away and just decided to come on so we could be there when they opened. End of discussion, right? It should have been except that when she called me back up to pay my copay, she again reminded me that next time I needed to have an appointment. I told her I understood and that I called on Friday and it took them hours to call me back. There was a brief exchange in which I told her that if it was not such a big deal, I would have called, as I usually do. She tells me it may be hours for me to wait - fine.

About 15 minutes later we are called back. The doctor checks Walker out and decides we need to run some tests. They checked his white blood cell count, ran some tests to make sure his liver is functioning correctly, and sent me home with a tube to collect a stool sample. They had to draw blood from Walker's arm and the thought of that broke my heart but my heart broke again when they actually did it. Not only did the nurse lose his vein and poke around in his little arm for well over 2 minutes but by the end of that he had ripped off the bandaid and because there was no pressure applied, there was a huge knot forming on his arm. The nurses took him from me, held him down, and applied pressure to the knot. All the while he is screaming, understandably.

I'm sure the ladies in the waiting room had no idea the hell that my poor baby had gone through back there. They had no idea that he was being poked and prodded and some idiot nurse lost his vein and continued to dig that needle around in his arm. But instead of being sympathetic and understanding that we are in a doctor's office so he may just not be feeling well or have had some tests done, instead they shot me the most judgmental looks and snide comments.

I got into the car and after holding the bandaid on Walker's arm for 10 minutes so the knot did not reappear, I began to drive home, and I just lost it. Tears strolled down my face uncontrollably. I was upset that my baby was sick. I was upset that I still do not know what is wrong with him because the tests will take 3-5days to come back. And I was upset that people are so mean and judgmental.

I remember when Walker was a newborn. I remember being so embarrassed if he would cry in a store and I would apologize and try to leave as soon as possible. I also remember when I was in a store by myself shopping and there was a lady with a newborn who was crying. She walked by me with a horrified look on her face, and I smiled at her, and told her it was okay. I understood.

There is something about becoming a mother that makes some people feel like they have the right to judge other mothers. I really do not understand it. It's a tough job and it could really go a long way if we would all support each other instead of judging. I know that nobody wants to hear my sweet boy screaming. Trust me, as much as YOU do not want to hear it, I don't want to hear it a million times more.

The only difference is that while it annoys you, it breaks my heart.

BOY or GIRL?!

The question of gender is such a big topic around us these days. When we first got pregnant, we said we are not finding out! Then we said we are finding out but not telling anyone! We have changed our minds a million times this pregnancy. We said we weren't going to decide on names until we see the baby - we decided. Then we said we aren't going to tell our names - we will. It's been a fun journey so far and the truth is that we are so excited about this addition to our family that there is nothing we want to keep a secret about him or her. Speaking of him or her, the gender topic is on our minds often as we get closer and closer to the big reveal! Unfortunately, Chris's company has decided to change insurance so we are not sure if we will be able to find out when we were originally supposed to or if we will have to wait until October. I get asked on a daily basis what I am hoping for. Recently I ran into an old friend and she asked me if I had a boy or a girl. I responded and said boy and her reply was, "Aw..well maybe you'll get a girl this time." I would love to have a little girl, ESPECIALLY after seeing this cute little number on facebook the other day.
I could absolutely have a cute little girl to dress up with cute bows and outfits (no tutus, however....that is another topic!!) but you know what?! I would be perfectly happy with another little boy. There is something amazing about the connection between a mother and a son and I never understood it until I had Walker but there is something about the way that little boy looks at me. He loves his Daddy, don't get me wrong, but there is a special bond between a mother and son. Sure, I'd love to have a little girl in dance and gymnastics but I also wouldn't mind spending my Saturdays at the ball field watching two boys, who would probably get to play on the same team together. Either way, I will be happy. Either way, I feel blessed to be carrying whatever gender is in my tummy.

And just for fun, I thought I'd post a picture of my tummy when I was pregnant with Walker and a current belly shot. Also, there is a list of common Old Wives Tales that are supposed to predict gender. I have bolded my symptoms that I have had this pregnancy.

•If you prefer sleeping on your left side, you'll have a boy. Right side? A girl.
•Extreme nausea means you are having a girl.
•If your hands are dry, you are having a boy; soft -- expect a girl.
•If you're craving citrus, you're having a girl.
•If your skin breaks out, expect a girl.•If you feel graceful during pregnancy, you'll have a girl. Clumsy? It's a boy.
•If you gain weight in your face, it means you're having a girl.
•Craving salt? Expect a boy. A little something sweet? You're having a girl.
•If your right breast is larger than the left, you are having a girl. If the left is larger, a boy.•Feeling extremely moody? Expect a girl.

Heartbeat: Walker's heartbeat was always in the 160's so he was considered a girl based on the rule of 140 and below = boy and 140 and above = girl. However, this bambino has been all over the place! The first time the heartbeat was 128. The second time, 165. The last time, 155.

I think the jury's still out on this sweet baby but we will find out soon!

What a weekend!

We have had a busy and productive weekend. On Friday afternoon we made a trip to Hanna's Nursery to check out some shrubs and flowers in person to try to determine exactly what we wanted in our front yard. We have had plans for a long time to pull up the yucky shrubs left by the previous owners and start fresh but neither Chris or myself has a green thumb so we have put it off until I couldn't stand it anymore. Here is a picture of the house with the shrubs it came with.

So Friday we paid a visit to our local nursery but learned very quickly that we did not know exactly what we were looking for. We did pick out some shrubs but changed our minds quickly when we saw that they were $300 each! My champagne taste strikes again...

So we ended that trip with more questions than answers but I know what I like when I see it so we planned to visit some other places the next day. Saturday came and we made a trip to Lowe's to get the paint for Walker's toddler room (more on that in the next week or so). Then we headed to Home Depot to get more bark for Walker's outside play area we built a few weeks ago. We started the outdoor play area project a couple of weekends ago and we bought 14 bags of bark to fill the play area. After several trips to Home Depot, we finally completed our project this weekend with a grand total of 53 bags of bark. Below is a picture of his new play area. That huge tree provides so much shade - it is the perfect spot! We plan to get a big wooden swingset for Christmas (from Santa, of course!) and add a full size picnic table to the area. I think we're off to a great start so far and Walker loves it!

While we were getting the bark at Home Depot, we took a peek at their shrubs and flowers and I found exactly what I was looking for, partly. I am going to plant mums in the front and I think Hawthorne's behind the mums. The mums are perfect because they are colorful and compact. The Hawthorne's are great because they are evergreens and will not lose their leaves in the fall and winter. Plus, they will bloom once a year and will add even more color.

Sunday was spent cutting down the yucky bushes outside and painting Walker's toddler room. We had planned to get our new plants this weekend but that will have to wait until next weekend. Here is a picture of what the house looks like now, without the yucky bushes and waiting for it's new accessories.


I think it really opens up the look of the house and makes it look bigger. I can't wait for the pops of color and to get everything in and looking pretty! Slowly but surely we are crossing items off our to-do list.

Friday Five: Things I Want My Son to Know

1. You changed my life.
From the first moment I saw you, my life was forever changed. I was forever changed. You taught me the meaning of unconditional love. You continue to change my life every single day by showing me new things and just when I think I cannot love you more, I do.

2. Be Proud of Who You Are.
You are so little right now, not even two years old. You have changed so much since you were a baby and I am enjoying the front row seats of watching your personality grow and develop. I do not know what kind of boy or man you will be. I do not know if you will be laid back like your Daddy or high strung like myself. What I do know is that no matter what, you should embrace and be proud of the person that you are and know that I will always be proud of you and love you.Always.

3. There are mean people in the world - strive to not be one of them.
From an early age you will learn that there are good guys and bad guys. Fairy tales, movies, and books always have a bad guy. The problem with real life is that the bad guy is not always so obvious. The bad guy in real life doesn't always have red eyes, an evil laugh, or a snake following him around. Sometimes in real life the bad guy ends up being your best friend, your boss, or even a member of your own family. Have a kind heart, speak kind words, and strive to be a good guy.

4. Be a Gentleman.
It took me having you to understand why moms have such a hard time when their sons start dating. I look at you and still see my little baby and I am sure I will still see my little baby when you are no longer a baby and more like a hormone-filled teenage boy getting ready for your first date. Be a kind boyfriend. Open the doors for her, buy her dinner, offer your coat, bring her flowers, call her for no reason, tell her she's beautiful, and don't say I love you unless you mean it. Those three little words do something to girls that boys will never understand. But if you do love her, tell her. Always be honest. Guard her, protect her, stand up for her. And if your feelings for her change, still be kind and honest with her but do not lead her on. Remain friends. And it's never okay to date any of her friends.

5. One day, you will understand.
One day, years from now, when you are holding your newborn baby for the very first time, all of a sudden you will understand the love your Daddy and I have for you. Until this moment, you will know that we love you but you won't really grasp the intensity of our love until right then. And you will finally understand why we did the things we did for you, why we punished you when you needed it, why we wanted you to be a great man, and why we loved you at all times. You will understand in that moment the love that a parent has for their child that cannot be fully understood until you become a parent yourself.

Say What?!

When I was pregnant with Walker, I was amazed at the things that people would say. I couldn't believe the things that people would say to an already hormonal, emotional, tired, hungry, pregnant lady. I usually brushed it off or had an occasional meltdown and forgot about it. Now that we have baby number two in the oven, I thought it might be interesting to post some of the things people say this go around.

My friend Jennifer just posted some of the things people said to her when she was pregnant. I hate these things were said to her but it is refreshing to know that the lack of couth in regards to dealing with pregnant ladies is not limited to my circle of friends, family, and acquaintances.

So far, I haven't had too many things said to me but I am only three months along. I am sure this list will grow at speeds comparable to my waistline.

1. "So I am assuming this was planned?"
First of all, this is a downright rude thing to ask anyone but what makes this especially rude is who asked this question. We had just announced our pregnancy and this was someone's response to our big announcement. My response? "Yep. 15 months in the making." Second of all, even if we had not been trying for fifteen months to have another baby and it was an "oops", why would we want to broadcast that? All babies are gifts from God and we would have been just as happy if this baby had not been planned.

2. "So....still pregnant?"
Seriously? I could not believe these words came out of someone's mouth. They flowed out as easily as, "The weather's nice today." What a way to start a conversation. Yep, still preggers. But if I wasn't, I'm sure that's the way I would want to make that sensitive announcement.

3. "Well at least you didn't try for four years."
At least. Here's the deal - when you want a baby and you are going month after month after month not getting pregnant it doesn't matter if it takes six months or four years. My response to this person was exactly this: "Four years or fifteen months -They both suck. When you want a baby and you can't have one, it sucks." Are you telling me your pain at fifteen months was different than your pain and longing for a child at four years? I doubt it. I will never understand why some people strive to bring you down at happy times in your life.

So far, that's all that has been said to me that has rubbed me the wrong way. I hope this list doesn't grow. What's funny is to think about the people who have said these things to me and to realize that none of them are my close friends or my immediate family. They are all people who have brought me down at other special times in my life. I don't guess I should be too surprised but I remain hopeful that this list will end at number three.

Our Little Secret

One of the most fun parts of pregnancy is picking a name. We always knew what Walker's name would be so we didn't have to search through the baby books. Chris always said he wanted his son to be named after him and I wanted to give that to him.

One of the worst parts about pregnancy is that everyone seems to have an opinion about everything. It's amazing how many people offered their opinion to me on anything and everything from how they "would never breastfeed" or by making jokes and calling Walker "Texas Ranger", which ultimately led me to resent his name because I told Chris I did not want people to call him that.

I know - it's silly.

But when we found out we were pregnant with baby number two, we discovered just how hard it is to pick names that we both agree on. I like strange names with Asher and Archer as just a couple of the boy names that Chris quickly veto'd. Chris didn't throw any names out that he loved but he was quick to say "no" or "maybe" or, "I kinda like ________"

We bought a book of 100,000 baby names and started going through them. Of the 100,000 baby names, we have three complete boy names and two girl first names. We have the boy names in order of 1-3 (and Chris and I actually agreed on the order!) and the plan is to see which name fits him or her best.

We are not telling anyone (ANYONE!) the baby names so please do not ask us. It is nothing personal. I just don't want anyone's reaction (good or bad) to influence the names that we like.

Our baby's name will make it's debut when our sweet baby makes his or hers! : )

Walker's Nursery

As we prepare for the arrival of our second baby, we are also preparing to move Walker from his nursery into his big boy room. We are working hard to move all my crafts out of the craft room and begin the transition of turning it into Walker's room. When we were pregnant with Walker, we were pinching pennies trying to save up for the purchase of our house. When we brought Walker home, we were in the process of buying our house and were living with Chris's parents until we closed on our house. I didn't get to put a lot of time or effort into his nursery since we were living in one bedroom at Chris's parents house.

We had talked about not finding out the gender of baby number two but I am craving the nesting experience that I did not get with Walker. Don't worry though - this time I get to nest in not only one but two rooms - Walker's big boy room and baby Wills' nursery! Walker's nursery theme is vintage vehicles and will be the theme of his big boy room as well. Here is the bedding I have picked out for his toddler room:

And my dear Walker - because soon you will be in your big boy room with your big boy bed and memories of your nursery will belong only to me and Daddy, I decided to go through your nursery and take pictures so that you could remember your first room.



This airplane shelf holds some very important items. It holds one of your ultrasound pictures (the one that showed Mommy and Daddy that you were a boy!) It holds your first lock of hair and the car that will hold your very first tooth.



This is the sign that hung on our hospital door when you were born.







This frame holds my favorite ultrasound picture of you. It is a profile picture of you and was taken on 7/24/09.







This chair was in your Grammy's room when she was a little girl. This teddy bear was delivered to the hospital when you were born along with a basket of flowers and was sent by your Daddy's office.

















You love to "Feed the pig"!

Doctor's Appointment 7/25/11

Today we went to the doctor for our monthly checkup for Baby Wills. We got to hear the heartbeat and it was beautiful. That sound is the most amazing sound in the world. After a little scare this week, the sound of our sweet baby's heart beat brought tears to my eyes. My doctor was surprised that we could hear the baby's heart beat already and was sure we'd have to do an ultrasound but our baby did not disappoint. For some reason, the beats per minute were not showing up on the machine but the doctor said it sounded like it was between 160 and 180 which has now convinced me we are definitely having a "brudder" and that is just fine with me.
My doctor told me that the faster the heart beat, the more likely it was a girl but that theory means little to me as Walker's was always in the 160's. We are just so happy to be having another child that we do not have a preference either way.

We find out what we are having in September and we are very excited to see if we will have a little Prince or Princess joining our family!

The best part of a roller coaster ride is the end

The best part of a roller coaster ride is the end, for me anyways. I will never forget the first time I rode a roller coaster - I made it all the way to my 17th birthday before riding a roller coaster that went upside down. My mother dated some guy when she was a teenager who worked at a carnival and therefore, the fear of roller coasters was embedded in me from a young age. I spent my 17th birthday at Six Flags with great friends and my sweetheart. I made my friends sit by me on the roller coaster and sent Chris and the boys to the back, as if they wouldn't be able to hear me scream back there.

In my last post about TTC, I compared it to a roller coaster ride. It has been full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and like that first roller coaster ride on my 17th birthday, the best part has been the end.

That's right - we are one of the lucky ones who made it to the end of the journey with a happy ending. We found out we were pregnant on June 12th, 2011 and we cried tears of joy together. We couldn't believe our journey was finally over but we were so happy it was. We told Walker he was going to be a big brother (swore him to secrecy of course!) and even though he didn't understand, we knew that we were finally giving him the best gift we would ever be able to give him.

When we found out we were pregnant with Walker, we told our families right away. This time Chris wanted to do something special to announce our big news and we had planned for that but I could not keep the secret from my family. I wanted to shout it out to anyone who would listen so I just had to call my mom and tell her.

We kept the secret for a week longer from his family. He really wanted to announce it in a special way and we were all getting together to celebrate Father's Day that next weekend. I made this picture holder for Chris's parents a few months ago. It has the names of all their grandchildren starting with the oldest and ending with a blank block for our little niece who will be born in September. So, we made another block and put February 2012 on it. We wrapped it up and let Walker present his Pop Pop with his Father's Day present (of course he also got a Home Depot gift card).

Chris is a cautious guy and did not want to announce it even to our families until we were out of the first trimester but I could not keep this secret in that long. I knew that I would have some friends who might have a hard time with my news because they are on their own journey so I wanted to make sure I told them personally before they saw it on facebook. Chris finally let me announce it after we saw the little heartbeat for the first time and were told that everything looked perfect.

We are due February 16, 2012 and we are just thrilled. I'm not sure that Walker understands at all what is going to hit him in a few months but if you ask him where the baby is, he lifts my shirt and kisses my belly so gently. Yesterday, he pointed to my belly and I told him that was his brother or sister and he said "brudder". Unlike Walker, I do not have a preference for a boy or girl - I am just thrilled to be carrying this child. This pregnancy has been totally different from my pregnancy with Walker. I have only been sick one time and up until about two weeks ago, I had tons of energy. I do get tired and I do have a bit of nausea at the smell of, well, just about anything. But I am thankful. Oh so very thankful for every bit of it.

Catch Up

I'd like to say that I cannot believe it has been so long since I have written in this blog but I can believe it. These days I am one tired momma but I am going to try my best to keep up with the blog a little more. After all, the whole point of the blog is to turn it into a book for Walker at the end of each year. So, let's play some catch up.

TTC Roller Coaster

TTC has been one of the most emotional roller coasters of my life. I have good days and bad days on this journey. On my good days I am hopeful. On my good days I tell myself that I know our family is not yet complete. I tell myself that I know Walker is going to be an amazing big brother. I tell myself that I know Walker is going to have a friend for life in a sibling. I tell myself that I know God is in control.

On my bad days I can't sleep. On my bad days I cry after everyone else has gone to bed. On my bad days I feel bitter, angry, and sad. On my bad days I question God's plan. On my bad days I question myself and wonder what I did wrong. On my bad days, I blog.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I feel like I was born to be a mom. Being a mom is a lot different than I pictured but it is more amazing than I could have imagined. I always wanted three children - two boys and a girl. Chris and I knew we wanted to start a family right away and we did. We never imagined that we would have a hard time expanding our family. After being on this journey for now fifteen months, I look back and realize how naive we were to think that we were in control of the size of our family. God is in control.

I go for more tests on June 2nd and I pray for better results than I got last month. I hope that God answers our prayers and this journey is only a temporary one for us. I also thank God everyday for the amazing little guy we have been blessed with. He is the light of our lives.

Big Steps

Walker is now 17 months old and I can feel time zooming by me everyday. It's amazing how many people tell you that time flies by once you have children and to cherish every minute. I never could have imagined just how fast it flies by.

It's funny to me to think back to how I felt about some things before I had Walker. I always knew I would breastfeed him but I thought I would just pump and put it in a bottle and he would be perfectly content with that. I never planned on actually breastfeeding. Once Walker was born I got to hold him for about two minutes before they took him straight to the NICU. I was induced three weeks early because of Preeclampsia and Hypertension so Walker's lungs weren't fully developed. They say that boys' lungs develop more slowly than girls. Walker stayed in the NICU all night and I got him back around 5 am the next morning. They had to feed him in the NICU so they gave him a bottle of formula. When he came back to me, he refused to latch on and I had a very hard time breastfeeding him. Visitors were in and out over those two days so I gave into him and let him have the bottle more than I should because I couldn't do it on my own. I finally got a lactation specialist to come help me and from then on, we were good!

I planned to breastfeed Walker for one year. I thought that if I could make it to one year it would be a big accomplishment. When Walker's first birthday came around I just wasn't ready to stop. I kept waiting for Walker to just wean himself and he did a little bit. He got down to nursing only 2-3 times per day and it was usually just when he was going to sleep at naptime or bedtime. I decided that if he hadn't weaned himself by 18 months, I would start the weaning process. I tried once at about 15 months to wean him and it was miserable.

At 17 months, I decided to go ahead and really try to wean him and guess what? It worked! It has been thirteen days since he has nursed. The first couple of days were hard for both of us. I am not going to lie - I cried. Overall, I think it has been good for us. I was so worried we would lose our cuddle time but Walker is still my little lovebug and curls up in my lap, gives me hugs and kisses, and loves me just as much!

Walker's 2nd Easter

Mommy stuffing Easter eggs for our Easter egg hunt


You were awesome at hunting eggs! You were so excited to get them open and see what was inside.




After our Easter egg hunt, we played on the playground. Picture of Walker and Will.




Walker and Carina



Walker and Mommy at our church Easter egg hunt


Waiting for the Easter egg hunt to start at Morningstar Church










Walker's Easter goodies




Walker loves books!





Helping Daddy open the potty!



Walker's throne