For the past 12 months Chris and I have struggled to expand our family. We have hoped, we have prayed, we have never lost faith. We have never cried, we have never wondered, "Why us?!" We have never questioned God's plan for our family. We have stayed strong and hopeful and told ourselves that with every passing month we are one step closer. I have encouraged friends of mine who are going through this same journey. I have tried explain to them that there is a reason for everything and a timetable that may not be the same as ours. I have been able to stay strong through this because I have seen it happen. I have seen a miracle happen in God's time. But to quote one of my favorite songs, "Unsinkable ships sink, unbreakable walls break..." Even the strongest of the strong break down from time to time and this week, my time came. It was not the fact that we are not pregnant. I still believe with my whole heart that the plan for our family has already been determined. I believe with my whole heart that no matter what I do, how many children we have and when has already been decided for us. I believe with my whole heart that if we are blessed with another child it will happen at the most perfect time for our family. What hit me this week is that we were moving on to month twelve. MONTH TWELVE! I have no idea why this month was any different or any more devastating than months eleven, ten, nine, or so on, but month twelve hit me like a ton of bricks. Chris and I have always known that we wanted our children extremely close in age. This was the first day I cried - and I cried all day. I did not cry for myself, I did not cry for Chris. I cried for Walker. I will love ALL of my children with a love that is stronger than anything in the world, but I would be perfectly content with only Walker. If we are meant to only have one child, we will be okay. Walker could not be more adored and loved by Chris and I. However, I know the power of siblings. There are lots of different types of love in this world and one of the strongest that I have experienced is the love I have for both of my sisters. I want Walker to experience this love. I want him to have a friend for life because I know that's what my sisters will be for me. I want him to have someone to always be there for him, even after Chris and I leave this life. With each passing month, I feel like he and his sibling will be less and less close. So, you see, I do not cry for myself, but because I cannot seem to give my child the best gift I could ever give him. We are now on to month twelve and although I had my first breakdown, I don't think one breakdown in twelve months is too bad. I still have my faith, I still have hope, and above all, I still have the love of two amazing guys.
To Walker,
It will be a long time before you read this blog that I have had turned into a book for you. If you are blessed to have siblings, cherish them. Please know that the time goes by too fast. Although they will surely annoy you, know that you will miss them one day. Please know that one day you will appreciate them, and with time, they will become your closest friends. Please know that they were sent here for you. If you are an only child, please know that you are loved beyond imagination. It is hard to understand just how strong a parent's love is until you hold your very own child for the first time. No matter how much we tell you we love you, you will not truly understand it until that moment, but we will still tell you everyday. If you are an only child, it is because that was the plan for our family. Faith brought me you and I love you to the moon.
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